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When someone has asked me how I'm doing these past few days I've been having trouble finding the right words. Excitement about starting clinical rotations. Anxiety about starting clinical rotations. The great joy in reuniting with friends and family after the seemingly endless study block. The shock and disbelief upon learning of my classmate's passing. Feelings of guilt; wondering if I could have done more. Feelings of dread at opening that damn e-mail containing our Step 1 scores just yesterday morning.

Is my future determined? Is my past a mistake? And why does the present seem just out of reach?

Why can't I process one tragedy before another strikes? Why does time seem to move so fast, yet my ability to adapt take forever? Why can't I get a grip on time?

My college Physics professor would have me believe that time is the thing that stops all the events in the universe from happening at once. If that is true, then why does my brain endlessly cycle between the past and future? Surely my brain has never heard of this thing called time. It sure seems that way lately.

But if I don't understand time then maybe I can exist outside of it. Not be so preoccupied with where I'm going and what I've done. Maybe I have the power to even create time. Spend an extra second making eye contact with a stranger. Slow my walk down to notice the angles of the tree branches in the courtyard. Stay a minute longer with my patient before typing up their note in the EMR. Make that day's "best breath" last an infinite.

Maybe I don't have to fear time.

In the coming years, months, weeks, days, hours, and minutes, I invite everyone to find peace and love, and simply be in the moment. I will now read some lyrics from a song by Sandy Denny, “Who Knows Where the Time Goes”:

Across the evening sky all the birds are leaving
Ah, but how can they know it's time for them to go?
Before the winter fire, I will still be dreaming
I have no thought of time.

For who knows where the time goes?
Who knows where the time goes?

Sad deserted shore, your fickle friends are leaving
Ah, but then you know it's time for them to go.
But I will still be here, I have no thought of leaving
I do not count the time.

For who knows where the time goes?
Who knows where the time goes?

And I am not alone while my love is near me
I know it will be so until it's time to go
So come the storms of winter and then the birds in spring again
I have no fear of time.

For who knows how my love grows?
And who knows where the time goes?


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Last Updated: 05-30-2013
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